Alex's Macy's Pre-Thanksgiving Day Newsletter

Aren't ya glad you're not a turkey on this Thanksgiving Day?

Happy almost Thanksgiving! I may be screaming into the void, but if you’re reading this it means you’re here too, so thanks!

First, a serving of turkey and gravy:

Some headlines, made less dry.

• A judge decided Georgians will be able to vote early in the Warnock-Walker runoff this Saturday despite an arcane law prohibiting Saturday voting when there is a holiday on Thursday or Friday — I guess they’ll have to try to find another way to suppress votes this time.

• Kim Jong Un recently revealed that he has a daughter when he brought her to a ballistic missile launch. Aw, you never forget your first missile launch. Photos show the duo holding hands which is adorable until you remember he publicly executed his uncle by firing squad.

• The Supreme Court says that Congress can have Trump’s tax returns which is crazy because they are under audit! I for one am interested in finding out how much this guy is making in residuals from his Home Alone 2 cameo.

• Justin Bieber’s “Bored Ape” NFT dropped 95% in value following the collapse of cryptocurrency FTX. It apparently used to be worth more than a million dollars, which is weird because I’ve got a .jpeg saved of it on my desktop but I’m told my four-year-old MacBook is “worthless.”

• Coming soon to USA Network: Chrisley Knows Worst. The husband and wife pair were sentenced to twelve and seven years respectively for tax evasion and several kinds of fraud that did not include their low-rent acting skills.

  

I beg your pardon:

Apparently we can blame Ronald Reagan for trickle-down economics and turkey pardoning.

Joe Biden did the traditional turkey pardoning ceremony at the White House, but took the time to chit chat with Chocolate the turkey, and let me tell ya, it’s adorable.

But it’s a strange tradition, to be sure. 45 million turkeys are consumed on this holiday each year, and just two of them are brought to the White House and forgiven for…being turkeys, I guess. It all reminds me of a song I learned as a kid in school. The lyrics were as follows:

Happy Thanksgiving, hooray hooray hooray—

Aren’t you glad you’re not a turkey on this Thanksgiving Day?

And then later in the song—

Don’t forget the indigestion on this holiday

Better take some Rolaids so the pain will go away!

On the one hand, yes, I am glad I’m not a turkey on this and every day. But on the other — what a strange, unrelatable, and violent message for children! Indigestion? Rolaids? Turkey murder? I did a little research and it turns out this song was written by none other than Jewish songstress Debbie Friedman (no relation I’m aware of.) If you feel like a listen, I found it online. And it’s still a bop.

Also, good news. I was curious what happened to the pardoned turkeys and it turns out they do actually get sent to live on a farm upstate.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas but it’s not yet:

Things to watch this month that aren’t explicitly holiday-themed but have a holiday feel.

• Sex Education (Netflix): There are very few shows I would describe as “perfect.” This is one of them. It takes place in the UK, and as a rule, everything British feels wintery. On that note—

• The Great British Baking Show (Netflix): Soggy bottoms beware. Whoever casts this show deserves an Emmy and a Nobel Peace Prize.

• Only Murders In The Building (Hulu): Much like in the UK, anything that takes place in New York when people are wearing sweaters is holiday appropriate. Also murder is wintery. And there is a turkey in Season One.

• Gilmore Girls (Netflix): We may not love snow as much as Lorelai Gilmore does, but we love watching her love snow.

• Bad Sisters (Apple TV): You’ll be spending a lot of time with family. It may be cathartic to watch four sisters repeatedly try to kill their brother-in-law. Much like the UK and New York sweater rule, Ireland is also automatically wintery and cozy.

• What We Do In The Shadows (Hulu): If the words “vampire mockumentary” don’t do it for you, I don’t know what will. Most of it takes place in the dark, like our lives at the moment.

• Pushing Daisies (HBO Max): IMDb says it’s about “a pastry chef with the power to bring dead people back to life [who] solves murder mysteries with his resurrected childhood sweetheart, a cynical private investigator, and a lovesick waitress.” A tale as old as time. Keywords: Pie, Lee Pace, Campy.

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Wear stretchy pants and forward this email to your friends! Love, Alex.