I’m back! Sorry for my delay in newslettering (I know some of you were incapable of resting until you heard from me, so please, get some sleep), but I had some surgery that I am recovering from (more below!) Thanks for your patience, excited to get back to discussing the wonders, nuances, and horrors of life with y’all <3.
But first, a few quibis (Quick bites — I can use this now since they went out of business, right?):
America’s Suits (starring people’s princess Meghan Markle) and Australia’s Bluey (starring an adorable dog living in a former penal colony) reigned supreme as the most streamed shows of 2023 in the US, so take that, Great Britain!
After decades of uncertainty about what happened to her, Amelia Earhart’s plane may have been discovered 5,000 meters below the surface of the Pacific Ocean. Hot tip: If someone offers you a submarine trip to see it, don’t take it.
In an act sure to anger a number of high-profile pharaoh ghosts, Egypt has begun “restoring” one of its 5,000 year old pyramids with granite. Wow, Queer Eye’s impact really is huge.
A jury awarded E. Jean Carroll $83.3 million in her defamation case against Donald Trump, and she plans to donate the money to “something he hates.” Options include: Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, or his children who aren’t Ivanka.
Elon Musk wants us to think even more about him than we’re already forced to, putting the first-ever implant into a human brain so that we can connect our minds with our phones. The guy who tried to prove how indestructible his windows are (see below) is getting nowhere near my brain, and you shouldn’t let him near yours, either.
Other Oscars snubs (It wasn’t just Gretas, both Gerwig and Lee):
My ovarian cyst (and for good measure, my appendix): Most people use citrus fruits to describe the size of ovarian cysts, but I like oranges better than apples, so I’m going with the latter. So yes, a few weeks ago, a surgeon removed an apple-sized cyst as well as some endometriosis and my appendix, and I’m doing great! But I was aghast to discover: Not even a mention from the Academy of the cyst, or what I’m left with, which is the very detailed and medically-correct image below.
Dr. Google: The number of times this non-credentialed doctor has misdiagnosed me with actively dying…she’s so dramatic! If the options are maybe you need a cup of water or maybe you have tuberculosis—that’s what they call range, baby!
Ron DeSantis’ weird-ass smile: We hardly knew ye. But hey, at least selling your soul and ruining your public image only to endorse the guy who has been humiliating you for years wasn’t at all worth it.
Insane GOP conspiracy theories: Performance for ~best baby~ goes to MAGA Republicans, who are so afraid of Taylor Swift and her vaccinated boyfriend that they’re preemptively blaming them for losses in November.
Elmo: Starting shit when he knew what the answer would be. A supposedly well-intended tweet sent respondents into existential crises, and hello, have you seen the world?! We’re bad, Elmo. Really bad.
Saying goodbye to January:
On a slightly more personal note, I couldn’t be happier to leave January behind, and I’ve been hearing similar sentiments from a lot of my friends. Winter is always hard (even though I live in LA, where winter = a chilly 64 degrees), but something about this month did feel a little more off than usual, right?! I’m not sure if I can blame any planets in retrograde, or Trump emerging as the actual GOP front runner from a courtroom(s) where he’s on trial, or a surgery that took longer than I would’ve liked to heal from, or all of the above. All I know is, it was a hard month for a lot of people. The news is bleak. The sun is still setting too early. Brett Goldstein still isn’t answering my DMs.
But here’s the good news: We made it! The pressure of the new year and the first month are behind us, and you no longer have to be subject to dry January or resolution making or “starting fresh” posts. Will you still hold yourself to impossible standards or compare yourself to others—probably! But at least you can do so in February. (Ed. Note: This is a joke, you’re great, don’t do this.)
Palate cleanser:
I’ve perhaps never been more relaxed than I was watching Emma Watson make a variety of cocktails for eleven minutes. You’re welcome.