You break it, we all buy it
+ Vasectomies are up, journalistic integrity is down, and the Onion's new enterprise
Welcome back to Hot Tip, the newsletter for readers who are coping right now by just leaving The Holiday on in the background 24/7 like a Nancy Meyers white noise machine.
I’ve just returned from a perfect weekend with friends in Chicago only to turn on CNN and be reminded of the hellscape that is being a person right now, and looking at Jake Tapper’s face isn’t helping in the same way it used to. I mean, it’s helping, but not as much.
Btw, reminder that if you’re liking what you read — well, not what you read, but how it’s written — please share Hot Tip with pals!
Bad cab, bad cab. I learned a new word this week: Kakistocracy. While the name sounds like it simply means shit-ocracy, the official definition is “a government that is ruled by the least suitable, able, or experienced people in a state or country.” So, yeah, shit-ocracy.
Simply put, Trump’s cabinet picks are a real who’s who of (mostly) dudes I would personally put on a do not fly list. Incompetence has never been so well-rewarded, to the point where Dems are now saying Marco Rubio? Hell yeah!!!! (In this case, for Secretary of State.)
Of the not dudes, Tulsi Gabbard, Trump’s nominee for the Director of National Intelligence, is almost definitely a Russian asset, in the same way that I am almost definitely a woman who says she “just wants to see the dessert menu” before ordering the thing she had planned on before even sitting down. Nominee for U.N. Ambassador Elise Stefanik has embraced "great replacement theory" — the idea that minority groups are trying to replace white people in America — and calls herself “ultra-MAGA,” which is also the sound my throat makes when my seasonal allergies are flaring up.
And remember Project 2025, which Trump “knew nothing about?” He picked the guy who wrote the chapter on the FCC to head the FCC. Which, as far as coincidences go, is pretty wild!!
You likely already know that bear-carcass-dumper and polio enthusiast RFK Jr. has been tapped for Health and Human Services, and Pete Hegseth, the weekend co-anchor of Fox & Friends, is up for Defense Secretary. Weekend anchor. Of Fox & Friends. The guy isn’t even their weekday anchor, and fwiw, this is the one that is:
But Pete Hegseth is truly dangerous. He’s been accused of rape, says women shouldn’t serve in combat roles, has a white nationalist tattoo, and is an Islamophobe. He also hasn’t washed his hands in 15 years because he doesn’t believe in germs. Why not just put him up for HHS as well? Two birds, etc.
And of course there’s also the Matt Gaetz of it all, aka the widely-reviled former Florida rep who resigned two days before findings of a sexual misconduct investigation on him would be released, and who is currently nominated for Attorney General. He was also once investigated for sex trafficking by the very Justice Department he is poised to lead, so I guess he already knows his way around the building! But his confirmation is unlikely — the only guardrail on Trump’s nods thus far seems to be that everyone, including Republicans, hates Matt Gaetz.
It’s a big ol’ TBD on who actually gets through Senate confirmations, whether Senate confirmations even happen, and if Sen. Susan Collins pulls a muscle being “concerned.” More updates to come.
Though shalt not be well-informed. The Oklahoma schools superintendent ordered 500 bibles to be placed in Advanced Placement Government classrooms across the state, which is currently 48th in education, but is apparently vying for 50th.
Morning Ass Kiss. After spending seven years shitting on Donald Trump, Morning Joe cohosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski gave up on pretending to be real journalists and instead visited him at Mar-a-Lago to “restart communications,” though I think perhaps the person Mika most needs to communicate with is the version of herself from two weeks ago who warned against normalizing him. But hey, maybe the steak at Mar-a-Lago is just forget-fascism-concerns good.
Fucked around and found out. The Onion just purchased conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ Infowars in a bankruptcy auction with the support of Sandy Hook families and plans to relaunch the site as “the dumbest website on the internet.” Damn, I guess I will have to look elsewhere now for my 9/11-was-an-inside-job fish oil.
Reminder that my work here on Substack is currently free, but if you think Hot Tip is worth $5 a month, consider upgrading to a paid subscription! That’s just one RFK special a month (raw milk latte) and way less in hospital bills.
Neo-Nazis marched the streets with swastikas in Columbus, Ohio, emboldened by — well, who could guess, really? NYC is moving forward fast with its congestion pricing program, aka tolls on drivers entering Manhattan which would in turn fund public works projects and, ideally, cut down on traffic. Vasectomy appointments are up 1200% since Trump’s election (sincere hat tip to our male allies).
Consider skipping the carrots this Thanksgiving unless you want E. coli on the menu. Betty White will be getting her own postage stamp in 2025 and while I would have personally put her on the one dollar bill, I’ll take it. Speaking of, an Italian village is offering $1 homes to Americans looking for an exit route.
Marcello Hernández showed up at a Sabrina Carpenter concert as his SNL character Domingo. Celebrity lookalike contests (which I would argue are really character lookalike contests, but nonetheless—) continue to pop up everywhere, and while NPR tried to figure out why, I think the answer is clear: we’re exhausted af and need just a little weird joy right now. Yes, chef.
“We Need To Cover Donald Trump Differently This Time” from Vanity Fair by
“Enough” from the New York Times by
“On Loving My Clothes With Stains And Holes” from Freak Palace by
times are tough, dear pals. i hope you’re hanging in there with some laughs and pies. back soon for more.
WOW. There is so much packed into your latest missive. I love it. Since you wrote about the increase in vasectomies, I just have to say the obvious: Men have a choice.
Keep on it, girl! You rock.